Thursday, March 13th 2014.
I can’t really say that I completely understand what has been going on with myself lately, mentally or physically. I can’t tell if I’ve lost myself again or If I never knew who I was to begin with. I’m twenty years old, I don’t have any goals, aspirations, hopes or dreams.. and certainly no achievements. Some would consider the act of not committing suicide to be a great achievement, but not for me. Actually it’s quite the opposite. I’m living two different lives, both of which are not my own, one that resides in my head and the other is physical, they do not coincide. I consider myself to be quite sociopathic internally, I lack compassion and don’t harbor guilt. That’s my physical self, physically I’ve grown this barrier around myself that is made up of things I will never understand. I’m watching myself interact with people, I’m constantly living in third person, what I feel physically and mentally are two very different things. I suppose you could see how one would lose themselves so easily. I’m fully aware that I’m my only hope at recovering but, I don’t even know who I am nor do I understand what I need to recover from. I’m a thousand different people it seems, a thousand hopeless wandering souls. I’m stuck in this disgusting body fighting battles with people I’ll never know.